This is NOT A FIRM BID as you did not provide any information on the scope of the project (ie: expected book length, etc).
Additionally, I would need to see the contract and have my Attorney review it and I would never accept a small $20 fee for the re-write, regardless of royalty share. We would need to negotiate Terms & Conditions.
I am an experienced Copywriter, ghost writer, and published author focused on helping my clients achieve their goals.
Here is the re-write of your paragraph.
Veeloos' senses were on full alert as he walked through the yet unexplored wilderness of brush, woods, and forests. As he approached a clearing he he sensed a small difference. Yes... Yes the clearing seemed brighter. Then he looked up and stared in amazement. Orbs of light, millions of them, floating down from the blackened sky like the snowflakes of a winter storm. But that couldn't be, it was far too warm. Although frightened, he smiled as he imagined the orbs looked more like stars falling from the heavens. Not a snowstorm but a rainstorm, a cloudburst of stars. He was becoming mesmerized with their beauty and then realized that the orbs were covering everything. The entire landscape, from each blade of grass to every tree leaf, covered in the Night Light Drops. Then, as fast as they appeared, they began to fade, and in a few minutes the darkness had returned.